HR by the Numbers

[Editor’s Note: Since Bryson started at BambooHR over two years ago, he’s wanted to write an Onion-type blog post. Today, as our readers are presumably drinking cider while dressed in their best Halloween costumes, we’ve finally decided to give him what he wants. Please keep in mind this article is intended to be a joke and should not be taken seriously. Enjoy.]

 

HR professionals keep a lot of information in their heads, such as benefits, policies, names, and last but not least, numbers. HR keeps track of lots and lots of numbers. Today, we’re drawing attention to a few of the more interesting numbers in HR.

9:

Number of times Eric has asked you what “deductible” means since last Friday

11,300,000:

Number of people in the U.S. who think of Barry Bonds when they hear the phrase, “HR Administrator”

$0:

Budget your executive team will give you for your company fish fry party if you don’t just buck up and ask them!

2:

Cups of coffee before you can even

16:

How many times you’ve explained to the warehouse employees that OSHA won’t take kindly to their forklift jousting matches

14%:

How often people should actually report somebody to HR when they laughingly say they’re going to report somebody to HR

58:

Times during onboarding that Samantha has told people she needs to take next week off because she booked a vacation before she was hired

489-77-8113: 

What Carl wrote down as the amount he wants taken out of his paycheck for his HSA account

$150:

Apparently Carl’s Social Security number

1:

Times you should hear about inappropriate behavior from a manager before doing something about it

86%:

How often you regret accepting friend requests from work colleagues on Facebook

27:

Number of points Seth from Sales claims to have scored at last week’s company basketball game

6:

Number of points Seth actually scored

1,249:

How many times you’ve had to explain that no, really, it’s confidential and you can’t say anything about it

33:

Cans of soda (approximately) that little red-haired boy drank at the company picnic

5:

Years you’ve shaved off of your life while planning the company fish fry party (that you still haven’t asked permission to throw, by the way!)

10 lbs:

Weight you’ve lost because of the stress of open enrollment

10 lbs:

Weight you’ve gained back since that delicious bakery opened up down the street

100%:

How done you are with being compared to Toby from The Office

4:

Average number of BambooHR-themed tattoos BambooHR customers get after using our software for at least one year

2: Cups of coffee before you can even #HRbythenumbers